I have been sick to my stomach all day. Thank you everyone for offering encouragement and helping me know what to do. I have set it in motion, and there's no turning back now.

Last night I decided I just wanted it all over with, so I called him. From the conversation it is shown that I am a true, certifiable idiot.

Moby: Hello?
Lifeblood: Hi, Moby?
Moby: Hey, what's up?
Lifeblood: Oh, not much...Are you going to be home later this evening?
Moby: Yeah.
Lifeblood: Do you mind if I stop by for a few minutes?
Moby: Sure. What do you need?
Lifeblood: Um...nothing. [At this point we both break into a nervous sort of laughter. Mine was bordering on the maniacal. I mean, what kind of an answer was that? I waited for him to say something.]
[Short silence.]
Moby: Okay, what time? I told someone I would call them at 9:30.[Is he deliberately keeping the gender of the person from me? I automatically assume it's a girl] Is this something we can talk about on the phone, or does it need to be in person? [I don't recall telling him I needed to say something to him. Crap.]
Lifeblood: Oh, in person.
Moby: Let me call the person now, and then I'll call you back later, okay?
Lifeblood: Okay, bye.

*Major Freakout ensues*

I start hyperventilating, trying to convey the utter stupidity of the conversation to my roommates. Nothing? I don't need anything, and yet I need to come over this very evening? I am a freak.

Then the phone rings.

Moby: Hey, I tried calling the person, and they're not home right now.
Lifeblood: Okay [Is the relief showing in my voice?]
Moby: I promised this person I'd call at 9:30, and I'm not the kind of person to go back on a promise, so can we reschedule?
Lifeblood: Sure.
Moby: Is this life threatening, or can it wait?
Lifeblood: [I hesitated. Pretty life threatening, if you ask me. But that's not what I said.] No, it can wait.
Moby: How about tomorrow evening?
Lifeblood: Tomorrow it is. But how do I get to your house again?

So there it is in black and white. I have no way out of it. My stomach churns at the thought of saying what I need to say to him. I don't even know what I want the outcome to be.

Pray for me, that's all I can say. And I may be too sad to write about the outcome for a while.

So this is me, over and out.

Song on my life soundtrack: Dreaming My Dreams with You, Allen Reynolds (but sung by Cowboy Junkies)

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