Sometimes the people who love you most hurt you the worst.

Depression came upon me this week. The worst part about it is the loneliness. I hurt, but I don't know who to tell it to. I feel as though my roommates and friends must be sick to death of my bouts of sadness.

I went to a church activity last night, and I practically burst into tears several times during the evening. It seemed that no one cared about me at all. It's not true; if they knew I was in such pain, I'm sure any one of the people there would have tried to help. But they didn't know, and nobody bothered to find out.

In fact, someone asked me how I was, and I said eh, not so good. She responded, "That bad, huh?" and turned back to talking to someone else. If you don't want to hear how I am really, don't ask the question! My emotions are too close to the surface to lie about it.

When I get like this, I feel like I'm a burden to my friends and family. In my sadness I desperately need their support, but I also fear that the weight of my load will drag them down as well, and so I try not to lean on them too much. So when my roommate and good friend said, "I don't like you today." to me last night, it was all I could do not to cry right in front of her.

I didn't. I went into my darkened room with the lightbulb burned out, laid down on my bed and sobbed. It was the ultimate rejection. My fears about my depression burdening everyone else were all true.

She knew she had made me cry. Soon she came into my room, her head silhouetted by the light coming in from the hall. She apologized. I understand, and I know she's sorry, but it still hurts more than she could know.

She can't know that what she did is like punching a friend who's already been beaten by strangers. She doesn't know, and that's why I still love her.

What I wish for when I have depresson:

Someone to tell me that they understand how I feel. Someone to tell me that I'm okay, and that it will be all right. Someone to give me a hug.

That's all I want.

hk.

Song today: Trouble, Cat Stevens

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