So I was wrong about him being in love with me. I was wrong about a great many things.

It is hard not to send myself into a depression, and I believe it may already be too late. I'm on the downward spiral.

To explain, I called Brown Eyes, and the conversation did not go as planned. Not that I should have counted on it going any certain way, but I did.

In my mind, Mr. Brown Eyes was a certain person, and the convo shattered that illusion. It's what happens when you develop a larger-than-life crush on someone you don't even know. Stupid!

So not only did the conversation convince me of his indifference toward me--which is painful, by all means--but I also learned several things about myself during our discusssion.

I am without fail always attracted to the most neurotic person in a crowd. I thought my attraction to Mr. Brown Eyes was an exception, but once again, I was wrong. It's like my genetic programming is faulty. Can I help who I'm attracted to? But it leads nowhere with those I'm attracted to, because they are always too neurotic for anything to work.

Meanwhile, normal guys abound. Some even like me, hard as that is for me to believe. I have a date this Friday with one such boy. But I'm not attracted. I can't even bring myself to pretend I am. What's wrong with me?

And my most disturbing realization of all: my life is pointless. I work, I think pointless thoughts about guys who will never like me, I eat, sleep, and watch lame TV sitcoms. And that is my life. How did it take me until yesterday to realize that I am pathetic?

I have no direction in life, no reason for getting up in the morning. Why do I even exist? I would ask for your reassurance, but I don't know that anyone has any more answers than I do.

I don't mean to be so bleak. It's just how I feel.

Song on my soundtrack: Love is Blindness, U2

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