Back to work. And a brand new year! Yahoo. I'm in my office, dreaming of Aragorn and elves. Mmmm. The Fellowship of The Rings was amazing, just like everyone said. And I'm so in love with Aragorn. And that one elf who's almost too beautiful to be a guy.

The movie is giving me daymares though. Way too much violence, and a little over-the-top on the evil. FoTR is a dark movie. And this morning I kept imagining some orc or ringwraith (isn't ringwraith the coolest-sounding word?) hiding behind curtains, crouching beneath my bed, attacking me unawares as I pulled on my socks.

I love the world of Middle Earth, but it's currently a frightening place. Maybe I'll go live there at the end of the adventure.

Big breakthrough on the lifeblood social front: I called a boy. Yes, you heard right. Much as I talk about being a feminist and that women should take initiatives in dating, blah blah blah, I just talk big. I live in mortal fear of telephone conversations with guys I like. Especially if I'm the one making the call. But new years bring new surprises for me, so I just ignored my fear and called him. We had a decent-sized chat; it was a nice convo if I do say so myself.

We'll call him Perfectboy, and guess why? Yeah, he's really good. I don't know what's going on. I never fall for the ultra good boys; I usually go for the Aragorn type--a character who's got some pull from the dark side, but chooses the good instead. The pseudo rebel. I'm not saying that the guys with "dark side" potential are the right kind of guy, I'm just saying they're the ones I'm always attracted to.

So this is a change for me. The problem is, he's too good for me. Every time I say that I get protestations and declarations of my goodness (made by my loyal friends, of course), but seriously. I'm a girl who desperately wants to be good. In my best moments, goodness is my single desire. But my worst moments. I won't drag you through the depths, but my darkest moments are tainted with thoughts and deeds I am truly ashamed of later. My dark moments are laced with despair, anger, etc. Need I go on? I can't. I don't even want to think about my worst me.

If I were always my best self, wouldn't my life be great? But as you can see, I have a 'dark side' I battle against almost 24/7. And some battles are ugly. And some I don't even win.

If any of you had seen me at Christmas time, you probably wouldn't doubt my words. I behaved like an ass. To my own family. And I just said a word that Perfectboy would likely be shocked at.

So there you have it. The reasons I am not good enough for one so virtuous as he. But then again, my desires are good. I am reaching upward, even though I miss my mark so many times. Does that count? I'd like to think there's hope for me. It's what keeps me here on earth. Hope.

Song on the life soundtrack: Ricochet In Time, Shawn Colvin

+ / -