I know why I get depressed. There are basically two, maybe three reasons. If you are not a religious person, you won't fully understand what I'm talking about. Most of my readers are religious. Here are my reasons for depression in list format for ease of reading:

1. I don't do what I know I should. I'm not talking about "I should go grocery shopping and I didn't, so now I'm depressed." Nope. Not a good enough reason for depression. It's more like if I should be working hard at work and I don't, I feel guilty. Or I know I should read from the scriptures and I don't. Guilty. And guilty can easily transist into depressed.

2. I fail to acknowledge God. Yes folks, there are prideful people out in the world, and sometimes I'm one of them. For unknown reasons, (I could take a guess--see * below), saying "I need you" to God is one of the hardest things to do. The fact is, I do need him, and ignoring him just puts me on the fast-track to sadness.

3. Not enough human interaction. I could have called yesterday's entry 'Isolated in Arizona.' Making friends takes some effort, and I suppose I haven't done enough of it here. I don't know. Loneliness is a big factor.

So at least I know the problems. And they are fixable. By calling them what they are, instead of going off on some depressed dream-state (I often do that, and it really makes things worse), I can work to actually solve things. I think depression happens partly because I see what's wrong and how to fix it, but it looks too hard, or I don't want to do it, so being depressed takes all the pressure off me--it's an illness, so what can I do about it? I've perfected the art of laziness and unwillingness to take responsibility for myself. Frightening.

* Which brings me to the reason why acknowledging God is so hard. It fits in with what I've been talking about. By saying I need God, I know that I've made a commitment. He's nice, but I don't just get a free ride's worth of blessings my whole life. I actually have to do something. And I admit, sometimes I don't want to do it. So in effect, I deny that I need God so I won't have to take responsibility for my actions. Then sadness results. Then repentance.

Does this make any sense? I know that these are not always the causes of my depression. And if you get depressed yourself, please do not think I am diagnosing your problems too. I'm not. Just mine.

I had a good conversation with an old friend last night. It improved my mood immensely. We talked about dreams, plans, travel, intelligence, writing. It surprised me really. I've known he had a semi-crush on me for a while now. (I've known for a while, and he's had the crush for a while.) What I didn't know is why he had the crush. Not that I'm undermining my desirability, but I didn't know why he thought we had anything in common. Now I'm starting to wonder...am I developing a crush myself?

I'd rather not do that. For many reasons; but the biggest one is that he lives far away from me. Why should I waste time thinking about a guy I never see? I shouldn't. Ha. But I will.

Song playing on my life soundtrack: Cry Like An Angel,Shawn Colvin

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