Haven't taken meds in over two weeks. Not good. Depression is a funny thing though. I've noticed a daily cycle. Mornings are usually good. Afternoons until about six or seven at night get progressively worse, until all I want to do when I get home from work is huddle under the covers in my dark room.

I think I'm going to start up on the meds again, because the Christmas holiday can be torture otherwise. I know you're thinking, how can Christmas be sad? I don't know why either, but every year the holidays leave a little hole in my heart. It hurts.

Last night I sat in front of my computer screen, blank. I tried to write, but not a word came to me. I looked at some writing prompts, but my mind refused to develop any idea beyond the surface things. It scared me a little. I don't have much; and is my imagination gone too?

Are meds causing me to lose my memory and my mind? I often ask my sister if meds are worth it (because of the side-effects), and she always responds, "are the side-effects of depression worth it?" I stayed with her and her husband for six months recently, so she knows. I was hell to live with.

You know, I believe that medication took away my creativity while I was on it; Prozac did at least. What if it took it away permanently?

Boy, I'm more depressed than I thought I was. I'm to the point where I don't care about anything at all. Screw the world, I'm too sad, but I don't care enough to do anything about it.

Almost. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be writing this. Do me a favor someone. Email me. Tell me I'm not too far gone in my mistake-ridden life. Tell me I can change. Tell me what I need to hear.

And also, don't worry too much about me. I don't like it when people worry on my behalf. All I need is a good nap and a slap upside the head or something like that.

The song playing on my life soundtrack is: At This Point in My Life, Tracy Chapman

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