Emergency, emergency! Lifeblood is going to crash and burn. No, it's not a depressed entry again, although it could be. (Short explanation: sometimes hurting feels good for inexplicable reasons, and sometimes it degenerates into plain old despair. Mine is quickly degenerating.)

No! This interim is brought to you because I'm narcissistic and I want to talk about me. me. me. And also because I have to share a piece of my own writing in class tonight. A personal piece. We'll all be sitting in a circle and everything. How will I cope? I have no problem writing all sorts of trash on here and knowing that someone will probably read it.

But online is different from actually standing in front of your peers, having everyone stare at you, making words you've written come out of your own mouth, presumably because you know the writing is good enough to share. And whether my writing is good or not, I get to stand there thinking how idiotic I am, how pathetic I am for even imagining I ever thought of myself as a writer (and hoping the class doesn't know my secret, foolish dreams)

Then I have to see in real time everyone's reaction to it. You can't hide, you can't even pretend it's momentary insanity, because the writing is something we were supposed to have prepared ahead of time.

I just don't think I'm up to it. My fear exceeds my strength right now. But can I decline to share? Either way, they see my vulnerability. If I share, they see it in the way I'm attached to my writing, how very scared I am that they won't like it. If I don't share, they'll know I am not courageous enough to join in with the 'sharing and caring', or whatever it is we're doing.

La la. I could take the true coward's way out and just not show up for class.

Did you feel my pain? I don't know what I'm going to do.

Ciao.

p.s. and by the way,

If I was a work of art, I would be Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa. I am extremely popular and widely known. [umm, yeah right on that one] Although unassuming and unpretentious, my enigmatic smile has charmed millions. [millions?]I am a mystery, able to be appreciated from afar, but ultimately unknowable and thus intriguing. Which work of art would you be? The Art Test

 

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