So I came up with some ideas for my first novel. I was in that twilight state of mind right before I fall asleep, and then there it was. Most of my best ideas come at that time. If I had a printer hooked up to my brain right then, a lot of good writing would come out. Unfortunately, most of the writing I do--which hasn't been much lately--happens during my lunch hour at a messy, boring desk. Not very inspiring.

I'm at a point in my life when I can see two paths ahead of me. One is to continue on as I am: cynical, negative, and tired of myself; or change. I can tell you right now which way is the easy way. Add onto that the fact that I know exactly how to be jaded and cynical, and I honestly have no idea how not to be. How does one change the very essence of oneself? Is it even possible? How does one become positive without being cheesy? How can I stop being selfish and turn outward? How to forget who might be watching me, and just live life blissfully unaware? I'm literally talking about shift in vision. How to become the real me?

And these are the reasons I thought hard about discontinuing my online diary here. Yes, I enjoy writing them, but I could just as easily write these as emails to myself, and not subject the world (and not that many are reading this, but still, it's the concept of presenting my writing online as if it's worthy of notice--which I know it is not; at least not the kind of writing I'm doing here) to my private battles and moments of depression. I am benefited by the writing, but once again, I can send it to myself. Mostly why I am not quitting is that I am vain. (see paragraph above) I like others to read what I have to say. I like comments, I like compliments, I like me me me.

Anyone reading this who has suggestions for any of the questions I asked in the second paragraph, feel free to contact me with your ideas. These were not rhetorical questions; I am baffled and battle for an understanding of where I am going wrong in life to make me so sad.

 

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