Okay, I'm not sending 'Mr. D' the first letter, but I really did send him this one. (and I'm starting to freak out at how stupid I am) He sent me an email first, saying that my letters were getting less and less personal, so I had a moment of insanity and zipped this off and sent it:

Mr. D,

I am glad you are doing well. It's hard to believe you are looking forward to school starting; must be a rough summer for work.

As for me and my letters getting more impersonal, I agree. They do. The reason for that is, if I get personal, I would have to say that I have had semi-interest in you for a while now, and I can't make it go away. Most likely it's in part because I can't find even ONE decent guy to date out here. That's not something you tell one of your favorite guy friends, when it's probably not what you want to hear, especially since you are dating someone, with someone else in the wings a year from now. I know all that, so I stick to the impersonal information, which unfortunately is terribly boring: I'm working, going to school, dating no one of interest.

Mr. D, I know the above paragraph is already making you think; unless you knew all that, but please. I'm still the same person, only now you know that I drift in and out of being interested in you. I don't know why, and I know it's sillyness (and totally crazy), but please don't stop being my friend because you know. Just laugh. I do. Besides, most of the time it's not even an issue at all. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. Maybe I'm tired of being dishonest. Maybe I took a stupid pill this morning.

Okay, now that that's behind us, let me just say that you don't even have to respond to those last paragraphs if you're speechless. Either respond or not, but don't feel awkward. You can even pretend I never said it if you want to.

Here's another reason why I'm more impersonal: the interesting things (i.e., guys I'm dating) don't apply to me. I don't date (except for generic guys who don't bother to find out that my personality doesn't mix with theirs before asking me out), and I don't even MEET guys I'm remotely interested in. I'm beginning to believe (actually, this is something I worry about periodically) that there's something wrong with me. Or at the very least, something wrong with the guys in Mesa; and Provo. And Overton. And Bulgaria. And China. Because those are all the places I've lived in which my love life was exceptionally tragic or nonexistent. It's a strange trend that seems to brand me wherever I go: 'loveless'; or maybe 'loser' gracing my forehead in a magic ink only guys can see. It seems strange, especially when I contrast my life with some of my friends' lives. They fall in and out of love as if it's as easy as picking out a candy bar at the grocery store checkout counter. New week, new guy. It stinks being picky--but no, I won't settle for 'western family' brand, or what's on sale at the moment. I want quality, and I'm not finding it. I'm sounding exceptionally bitter, and I'm usually not. ( I know you're thinking- wait, didn't she sound bitter the last couple of times she wrote me?- Yes, I did. I've been venting to you lately, and I've been trying to stop. [And what a fine job I've done] I need to write you on a happy day.)

Anyway, does all of this have a point? I guess this is as personal as any email of mine gets. Sorry it's not what you thought it was going to be.

X

 

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